Strapped into a chair to watch The Devil's Chair

UTTER FUCKING SHITE!!!!!






THE FUCK IS THAT MEANT TO BE?!?!?! SOMEONE HELP ME OUT!!!!!?!?!






ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?!?!?! THIS IS A MOVIE?!?!?! DO NOT WATCH THIS!!! UNLESS BACKWARDS TALKING CORPSES, RAPE AND WHITE SKIN TIGHT TROUSERS DO IT FOR YOU, AVOID!!!! AVOID!!!!! AVOID!!!!!!

"If ever I need a [movie] like this, I'll take a squat and shit one out"

By the way, just to get the ball rolling, thats an ACTUAL quote from this 'film'. Where to start, sadly we actually had to shell out £6.7-fucking-5 for 2 and a half hours of anger management. Right now, to say sorry for not updating we are gonna do 3 movies, but this one was sooooo diabolical, we need to take our time with it.

To start with, this is a Stephen King book-to-film movie, so naturally we were apprehensive as all of the stephen king book to films have been utter shite. The Mist.....is no exception.

The torture begins with some second grade artist painting some shitty comic book picture, only to have his creativity curtailed by a tree flying through his window. Seriously. So unfolds the unevitability of confronting his neighbour (who he doesnt get on with, ironically over this tree) and his son about heading into town for help. All the while leaving his wife behind (never to be seen again but shhhhhhh dont tell anyone) whilst a foreboding MIST decends on the hapless town. At this point we were already considering leaving the cinema as the acting wouldn't be out of place on fucking Night Trap! (YOU GOTTA BE JIVING ME!!!!)

Que our unlikely pioneers locating the nearest safe house which is a supermarket where a vast array of characters reside, ranging from the by-the-book marines to the chubby non-disputable virgin check out operator, not to mention a brief detour round the inbred redneck mechanics of the town. One thing we noticed upon our 'heroes' arrival, is in times of crisis, there is NEVER enough tinned peas to survive an impending holocaust. We even get a glimpse into the local Bible Basher, who even from the appearance of a mild fog, still managed to lose the plot slightly. As the main character looks round the supermarket at the panic buying happening in front of him,he catches a glimpse of a blonde woman,who he instantly falls in love with, as the two of them give each other a doomed look, we the audience already know they will be in it till the end(with some shite acting and blood).

And now the shit hits the screen.The Mist decends on the supermarket,leaving the people inside slightly unnerved as to the nature of this fog, and to help matters along a man runs out the Mist covered in blood screaming "THERE'S SOMETHING IN THE MIST,LOCK THE DOOR".The main character decides to head into the stock room at the back, but he hears a noise and something pressing against the back shutter,but of course he is the only person that hears it and no one believes him. Naturally, some skeptics (2 rednecks, a comedy sidekick geek and a ginger sacrifice) follow suite to carry out some half assed task involving a generator which obviously serves as a means to kill off a barely recognisable actor and induce some 'fear' into the audience. They open the shutter door....and this happens;





Even after the death of this ginger prick, factions have already started to splinter ranging from the obviously doomed hero bunch, to the fire-and-brimstone damnation cult, all taking place between aisles 4-6. What follows is some CGI special effects (at one point Keane and I thought we were watching a Playstation game) BUCKETS of fake blood and some pointless attempt to explain this film by some idiotic vague reference to the occult.

To sum up, The Mist is a classic example of thinking its audiences are all spastics. Throw in some brutality, insanity (close ups of a guy screaming for like.....4 days) and some shocking religious speeches and you have a supernatural train wreck of a film. Myself and Keane found it patronizing to say the least. This film offered lots of CGI effects and almost unbeatable odds and monsters and yet not one possible glimpse of an explanation to the warped and ridiculous point to this film. Its a movie with no sense of direction, and whenever it seems to realise this, decides to simply throw more ludicrous and gory means to kill off more of its main actors (one actor actually gives birth to a spider....how fucking desperate must you be to keep your audience in its seat).

This movie was basically a priest having a mid-life crisis. It was clutching at straws between science and belief- with some massive monsters the size of office blocks thrown in- for dramatic effect. Keane and I couldn't get involved in this film at all, and every time we tried, something more ridiculous would happen leading to the most over-used phrase being shouted out in the cinema "OH FOR FUCKS SAKE!!!!!"

The scariest part of this film- by a mile- is the fact most people seem to like it. We are still at a loss as to how this movie made it past the production office and will happily beat up anyone seen carrying a DVD of it around. If you are going to watch this film, make sure someone else is paying for it, and you have LOADS of alcohol, cause you are going to need it.

PS. Rotten Tomatoes?!?! 71%!?!?! are you all fucking stupid?!?!??!

We Know It's Shite, We Watched It

Where do we begin with this absoulte disaster?Well to start off,we couldnt even make it through this whole film it was that bad.We got to about 32mins and we just had to turn it off,even my computer didnt want to play this dire holocaust,so it commited suicide.

But after all,this is a moive review website so we have to painfully say something about this.

UTTER FUCKING WANK!

This film had us wretching at some of the "jokes"(and yes they were more predictable than Disturbia).No film was save from this abomination,which would have most directors slitting there wrists to even be involved in this shite.

The jokes were unfunny,the characters were unfunny,the plot was unfunny,the music was unfunny.....basicaly it was as funny as cot death.

If you watch this film out of choice you are a spastic.If you watch this film and laugh then you are a total cock.

We've just opened another bottle of wine and are rolling another joint just to get over the excruciating 32mins of this film,please do not watch this.No seriously DO NOT WATCH THIS.

Disturbed by Disturbia

Well, we knew we were meant to do Halloween as the previous posts suggest, but due to a rodent/boredom/alcohol problem we decided to bring you "Disturbia" which was............awful.

Even a lead character with a name like "Shia LeBouf" must be enough to throw you off from the get go. Known for such 'great' films as 'I'Retard and Transmongos, shia decided to break the typecast with a role he never played before....a misunderstood boy who's a good man at heart.....oh wait, thats all he plays.

An unashamed tribute to Hitchcocks "Rear Window" this film has all its predecessors had.....minus the talent. From the very first 10 minutes, myself and Keane pretty much had this film sussed. From the wonky storyline to the almost unbearable comedy elements, this film is as predictable as a terminal illness.

From the opening sequence of a father/son fishing trip, already you know the foreshadowing gloom that is about to fall on these......well.......retards. The son - a run of the mill, all american boy at school has had his life ripped apart by his fathers (predictable) death. - which he blames himself for...surprise surprise. So its no doubt he is rebelling against every authoritarian figure, (which ironically lands him in this predicament).

A wonky court case and a comic relief black probabtion officer later, he is condemned to house arrest (after lamping his teacher, for all you Linkin Park fans out there).

So, naturally after having his X-Box/TV and iTunes revoked (all unashamed plugs) he decided to spy on his neighbours, who are 'luckily' a seriously attractive bird, and a serial killer. However, more he sees is more than meets the eye (oh god, I feel dirty)

Predictably him and his wacky sidekick (who is under house arrest out of CHOICE) decide to spy first, on his hot neighbour. Here's an example of the unashamed hot bird, a scorching day and her first venture into the new back garden....

How could you NOT become an amateur voyeur. However, it all turns sinister with the arrival of the "Texas Killer" who our hero Shia believes is living next door to him...an lo and behold, he's RIGHT.

After learning of our heroes sick survelliance of this girl, she decided out the blue that she ALSO enjoys spying on people (as luck would have it) and joins our little troup of perverts. So as the story begins to unfold, our trio starts to believe they are living next door to this psycho killer who has somehow managed to avoid the USA police, but NOT a chinese guy, a cripple and a dumb blonde of the more stereotypical atrocities.

So after a string of laughable survelliance, boring shots of far away windows, predictable make-the-girlfriend-shriek moments, disastrous dialogue (the killer giving his 'facts of life' speech being a total fucking gem) and the fact myself and keane knew the next step of the movie, probably before the director did, our heroes decide to take it upon themselves to SAVE THE DAY.

Disturbia, is a fucking bore-fest that is much more laughable than shocking. From the characters 'hilarious' predicaments to the more than foreseeable shock factors, Distubia ironically, is a film that doesnt want to disturb you. Its a no account bastard child to 'Rear Window' and 'Silence of the Lambs' which would have the most adamant movie goer ripping his own hair out. This film made us laugh at all the wrong moments and made us cringe at all the suspenseful moments. From the opening credits we were already gasping for a cigarette, refilling already full glasses of wine and already trying to guess how the film would end (which we guessed accurately).

In conclusion:
"That's either the creepiest... or the sweetest thing I have ever heard"

THIS MOVIE IS SHITE!!!!!!!!!

Give Me Back My Fucking Teeth

The whole thinking behind this "site" was thought of while under the infulence of many bevrages.Myself and Gus seem to spend half our conversations absoutley slating films,so on this night we were destroying a film(cant remember what one,might have been talking about how shite Alien Vs Predator 2 looks)we decided the rest of the world had to see our views on films.

So if anyone actualy ever reads this drivel you should expect to see alot of swear words and basicaly every film we see getting pelters.There will be some reviews of good films(as stated by Gus) as we do actualy like watching good films more than shite ones.

Basicaly we have far to much time on our hands and think that our movie taste is better than most people.So i hope you enjoy reading this shite.

Im already ready prepared to give Halloween negative marks and i have only seen the trailor.We are going to see this film tomorrow,so will hopefully have our first review up soon!

"I want your fucking leg!"

"Quite exciting, this internet malarky"

AND HERE WE GO

Welcome to the newest, cheapest, and more offensive movie review website courtesy of Keane and myself Gus. Whenever we are drunk/stoned/bothered enough to put up a movie review here's where you'll find it. Just to warn you most of the reviews we'll put up are gonna be ones slating films, but at least we're gonna be honest and brutal, unlike that fat fuck Roger Ebert

Its not gonna be all shite films however, now and then we'll put up reviews of good films that you should check out now. This instant. Why are you still reading this?

Anyway, first one'll be soon when we do *shudder* Rob Zombie's Halloween

"We Shoulda Gone To The Beach!"